I know I'm not perfect but at the end of the day, who is?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I thought I was over this. I seriously thought that that point of my life was already past and that I have moved on, accepted the damn fact and just...get on with what I have. Countless times I have dreamt about wearing the badge and shirt and advocating kindness and everything to all those eager kiddos and stuff. But today, when I saw the new batch of psls to be, our batch, I just lost it. Ouch, it just hurts damn bad to know that I'm not worthy to be one of them, to know that I've wanted it so much for as long as I knew that it existed, to know that they will gain so much life experience, to know that they will get close to people that I revere, to know that I will miss out on the chance to get close to people I revere, to know that some of them used to be so quiet and it never crossed my mind that they'll be a psl next year.
I know I sound extremely selfish, sour and spoilt. I can't deny that I'm feeling really sour inside. For some, yes although I feel sour inside, I'm happy for them because I know that they deserve it. But for others, I just feel that maybe I can do better than them, you know? Sorry I sound extremely proud now but I'm just listing what's swimming inside my head now...
Maybe for people who don't know how much I wanted this, you may think that I'm making a fuss over such an inconsequential matter. But truth is, I've dreamt for so many nights, every single thing about it. You may think that it's stupid but that's just how much I think it's worth. It's worth places in my dreams, my fantasies, my heart, my tears etc. I just feel very ajshjdghsghsgd now. Shitty ttm. It really hurt alot browsing through all the photos and seeing people clad in that shirt that I had envisaged myself in for so damn long. I sound really crazy but yes, it's true.
I really thought that I had gotten over it. I thought time had healed this lost and broken feeling of rejection. But I was wrong. It hurts, and it will continue to hurt for the whole of next year, and next next year. I don't know how am I gonna withstand 2 years of constant empty reminders that I'm not what I had always wanted to be.
tired of chasing after things that don't belong, tired of struggling to impress, tired of trying too hard then falling so hard, tired of heartaches, tired of getting back on track, tired of facades; facades that last only to reveal the inside that you'd desperately tried to conceal
I know I'm not perfect but at the end of the day, who is?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I thought I was over this. I seriously thought that that point of my life was already past and that I have moved on, accepted the damn fact and just...get on with what I have. Countless times I have dreamt about wearing the badge and shirt and advocating kindness and everything to all those eager kiddos and stuff. But today, when I saw the new batch of psls to be, our batch, I just lost it. Ouch, it just hurts damn bad to know that I'm not worthy to be one of them, to know that I've wanted it so much for as long as I knew that it existed, to know that they will gain so much life experience, to know that they will get close to people that I revere, to know that I will miss out on the chance to get close to people I revere, to know that some of them used to be so quiet and it never crossed my mind that they'll be a psl next year.
I know I sound extremely selfish, sour and spoilt. I can't deny that I'm feeling really sour inside. For some, yes although I feel sour inside, I'm happy for them because I know that they deserve it. But for others, I just feel that maybe I can do better than them, you know? Sorry I sound extremely proud now but I'm just listing what's swimming inside my head now...
Maybe for people who don't know how much I wanted this, you may think that I'm making a fuss over such an inconsequential matter. But truth is, I've dreamt for so many nights, every single thing about it. You may think that it's stupid but that's just how much I think it's worth. It's worth places in my dreams, my fantasies, my heart, my tears etc. I just feel very ajshjdghsghsgd now. Shitty ttm. It really hurt alot browsing through all the photos and seeing people clad in that shirt that I had envisaged myself in for so damn long. I sound really crazy but yes, it's true.
I really thought that I had gotten over it. I thought time had healed this lost and broken feeling of rejection. But I was wrong. It hurts, and it will continue to hurt for the whole of next year, and next next year. I don't know how am I gonna withstand 2 years of constant empty reminders that I'm not what I had always wanted to be.
